Beginner’s Guide to Science Fiction Appreciation

17 March, 2008

When I was but a freshman in college I wrote this.  Some friends remembered it recently, so I dug it up, cleaned it out a little bit, and here it is.

Andromeda
Kevin Sorbo strikes dramatic poses, wandering the galaxy teaching conservatives how to love again and building up a liberal government based on unicorns and rainbows and happy munchkins. Only, some people in the galaxy just don’t feel the love so he whacks them with a big metal stick. And his computer’s in love with him. Or something. What a guy.

Babylon 5
It is the year 2259.  Space liberals with spinning heads, who live in a spaceborn liberal cesspool, stick it to some mean old Space Republican who takes away their civil liberties.

Battlestar Galactica
If you’re like me, then you probably wonder what it would be like if you took the entire cast of West Wing, gave them a bucket of ‘shrooms and some blow, and reshot the whole series in space.  Guess what?  Our prayers were answered, and we call it Battlestar Galactica.

Blake’s 7
Robin Hood in space, with triangles. Lots and lots of big, green triangles. Features the diabolically evil Space Commander Travis and firefighting marshmallows.

Doctor Who
A doctor of questionable qualification in an ugly suit travels through time in a telephone box, battling wave after punishing wave of robots who wield terrifying spinning arms.

Earth: Final Conflict
So apparently there are these two races of aliens who are the flip side of the coin or opposite sides of the duct tape or something who duke it out on Earth for some reason, with only a soap opera star to fight for the forces of good.

MacGyver
Richard Dean Anderson foils bad guys using a nuke he built with only a flashlight, a paperclip and a gum wrapper.

Odyssey 5
The Earth explodes for no reason while a space shuttle crew is in space, so they go back in time and film nude scenes for Showtime ™.

The Outer Limits
A rotating cast teaches us dubious lessons about how time travel can really screw up your life and stuff.

Quantum Leap
Scott Bakula travels through time, righting wrongs and making out.

Sliders
An arrogant physics student, his girlfriend, a cranky college professor, and some random guy with an ugly car find new and completely different ways of getting themselves screwed over every week thanks to Science ™.

Space 1999
An intrepid crew of white men with flared pants and sideburns explore the galaxy on the moon after a nuclear accident causes earthquakes in Yugoslavia as their token minority and female underlings exchange dramatic looks.

Star Trek
Grown men, women and aliens travel the cosmos in pajamas searching for new terminology and new ethical conundra, boldly spreading equal opportunity across the galaxy.

Star Trek: the Animated Series
Grown men, women and aliens travel the cosmos in pajamas searching for new terminology and new ethical conundra, boldly spreading equal opportunity across the galaxy.

Star Trek: Deep Space 9
After sitting around for a few seasons doing nothing, grown men, women and aliens travel the cosmos in pajamas searching for new terminology and new ethical conundra, boldly spreading equal opportunity across the galaxy.

Star Trek: Enterprise
Grown men, women and aliens travel the cosmos in pajamas searching for new terminology and new ethical conundra, boldly spreading equal opportunity across the galaxy.

Star Trek: the Next Generation
Grown men, women and aliens travel the cosmos in pajamas searching for new terminology and new ethical conundra, boldly spreading equal opportunity across the galaxy.

Star Trek: Voyager (aka Star Trek: Lost in Space)
Grown men, women and aliens travel the cosmos in pajamas searching for new terminology and new ethical conundra, boldly spreading equal opportunity across the galaxy.

Stargate SG1
MacGyver, two geeks and a pro wrestler explore the universe using an elaborate system of squealing guinea pigs and sideways swimming pools, saving the Earth repeatedly in cliffhanger season finales.

The Twilight Zone
For the first time, William Shatner is allowed to appear on TV.  ‘Nuff said.

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2 Responses to “Beginner’s Guide to Science Fiction Appreciation”


  1. So, I take it that you don’t like SCI-FI? All the shows you have abused were great-FOR THEIR TIME. I know, I was there for the debut of Star Trek, have watched all you’ve mentioned and await the next great show.

    That said, you are right about Shatner. 🙂

  2. lurgy Says:

    I’m a little conflicted as to how to respond to your comment. Just to be clear, though, you’re extolling Andromeda and Sliders as excellent television?


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